I’ve recently started taking sketch comedy classes at the Upright Citizens Brigade and I figured it was time to share a little of what I’ve been doing. Take a peek. (Yes, the Megan Fox picture is gratuitous, but in my defense she is inhumanly hot.)
Hiding out in a cave or theater near you.
“HOT TERRORIST” MOVIE TRAILER – A MICHAEL BAY ROM-COM
INT. FBI BRIEFING ROOM
HAWK (30s) and a room full of FBI agents listen to a briefing about a TERRORIST whose picture is up on the hi-tech display.
NARRATOR V.O.
The world’s top secret agent Hawk Hutchinson thought he had his life figured out.
HAWK
(to the agents)
This isn’t rocket science people! We get in. We get what we want. We get out.
Hawk’s fat black friend, DARIUS JONES (30s) LAUGHS.
DARIUS
Sounds like last night at da club! You know what I’m sayin’?
Everyone LAUGHS.
NARRATOR V.O.
Nothing could stop him.
INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE
Hawk fighting a 30 ARMED THUGS with his bare hands. They shoot, he dodges and kills them all.
HAWK
Good game.
He spits on the ground. An EXPLOSION GOES OFF in the background as he walks in SLOW MO towards camera.
EXT. CITY ROOFTOPS
Hawk holds a TERRORIST over the edge of the roof.
HAWK
Where’s the bomb?!
TERRORIST
If you kill me you’ll never find it.
HAWK
That’s what you think.
The terrorist spits in his face. Hawk pushes off the building. Then he spits over the edge – Hawk’s face is lit up by an EXPLOSION below. He wipes dramatically in SLOW MO.
EXT. STREETS
Hawk zooming through traffic in a yellow ferrari. He pulls the emergency brake – the car flies over a hill in SLOW MO, spins, misses a grandma and a baby stroller, swings through a drive thru at IN-N-OUT. The HOT ATTENDANT has an orgasm when she gives him his hamburger. He bites down. He spits it out. An EXPLOSION goes off.
HAWK
Pickles? Really?
The ferrari speeds off and a GIRL’S skirt is blown up.
INSERT CLOSE ON: MEGAN FOX’s eyes. She blinks in SLOW MO.
NARRATOR V.O.
Then…he met her.
BOOM. DRUMS POUND as Hawk runs in SLOW MO down a dank alleyway. He’s holding a gun. He slams his shoulder into a doorway to see:
INT. RESTAURANT
Megan is sitting at a fancy restaurant. She looks up seductively.
MEGAN
You’re late.
NARRATOR V.O.
A hot runway model.
INSERT: SLOW MO FLASH of Megan in lingerie for a photo shoot.
She bites down on a strawberry from her champagne flute. Hawk’s gun goes off accidentally and he shrugs embarrassed.
HAWK
It happens to a lot of guys?
NARRATOR V.O.
Now things are going to change…
INT. MALL SHOOTOUT
Terrorists shoot guns. Terrified shoppers cower in the corner. Hawk talks into his cell phone as he, Darius and an AGENT are pinned down behind a leather couch.
HAWK
(into phone)
No you hang up!….No you hang up!
The agent gets riddled by bullets and dies.
HAWK (CONT’D)
(into phone)
…no you didn’t hang up!
DARIUS
Hawk! I need you or we be iced!
HAWK
(into phone)
Okay babe. Daddy’s gotta go to work.
He gets up and shoots three terrorists without looking.
INSERT: Megan on a stripper pole.
Hawk runs through stores, Darius screaming as he shoots. Then Hawk stops at a Bed Bath and Beyond and smells some soap.
HAWK (CONT’D)
(shouting over gunfire)
Yo D! Do you think she would like the papaya or coconut body lotion.
DARIUS
Do I look like give a crap Hawk!
Bullets hit the wall behind Darius. He freaks out.
DARIUS (CONT’D)
Papaya! Papaya! Pick the papaya!
NARRATOR V.O.
But things aren’t always what they seem…
EXT. DRIVEWAY – NOON
Megan is washing the car in slow motion.
DARIUS V.O.
Don’t you see what she’s doing? She’s one of them!
Megan pours water down her front – CLOSEUP on her wet T-shirt. Hutch looks through the blinds in awe.
DARIUS V.O
No one has ever heard of her. She has no past. She’s a terrorist, Hawk! She probably had a beard and you know it’s a quagmire down there.
Darius motions to his crotch.
DARIUS V.O.
And this one’s also because of Bush if you know what I’m sayin’.
INSERT TITLE: HOT TERRORIST. A FILM BY MICHAEL BAY.
EXT. BASEBALL GAME
Hawk is chewing on some sunflower seeds.
HAWK
I love America. Don’t you?
She looks at him coyly.
MEGAN
Maybe.
He spits out a sunflower seed and eyes her suspiciously.
INSERT: HUGE EXPLOSION. The fire reveals: ONLY IN THEATERS JULY 4.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: Megan Fox, Sketch
I love the IN-N-OUT scene. FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!